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Celebs : Royal wedding: two's company, Harry's a crowd...

Prince Harry is to live with Prince William and Kate Middleton once they are married. Iain Hollingshead imagines how the newly-weds would cope living with the Royal party animal.

After the very public stress of a royal wedding, you might think that Prince William and Kate Middleton would be looking forward to pottering around their Anglesey home, calling each other Babykins and Big Willie to their hearts’ content.

And yet yesterday it was reported that when they’re in London – which is often – they will have to share a suite at Clarence House with Prince Harry. Although scarcely a hardship, given the size of the house, the set-up is reminiscent of You, Me and Dupree, a faintly ridiculous 2006 film about a best man who ends up living with the couple after their wedding. Today The Daily Telegraph can reveal an exclusive draft of the script for You, Me and Harree.
Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Upper Bucklebury, enters carrying a mug of coffee. There is a blonde girl lying on the sofa.
Kate Morning, Tabitha.
BLONDE (mumbling half-asleep) Not called Tabitha.
KATE Octavia? Arabella? Araminta?
BLONDE It’s Minty.
KATE Sorry, Minty. I can’t keep up with Harry’s life.BLONDE S’alright. Hey, nice mug you’ve got there.
KATE Yeah, it’s one of the dodgy ones made for the wedding in China. It shows me and Harry married… Ironic, really.
BLONDE Oh, Kate, don’t cry.
KATE (sobbing) You’re so nice, Tabitha.
BLONDE It’s Minty.
BOUJIS (Late evening)
Sweaty dance floor. DJ uses his signet ring to scratch and mix Pulp’s 'Common People’.
WILLIAM AND HARRY (singing) I want to live with common people…
HARRY Actually, I guess I do live with a common person.
William gives him a playful shove.
HARRY A very nice one, though. Like a sister. A hot sister. Although not as hot as her sister. Who is hot.
WILLIAM Harry. Shut up. This is worse than your best man’s speech.
(later that evening)
Kate is sitting on her own, watching re-runs of the coverage of her wedding. The boys stagger in, arm-in-arm.
KATE Hello. How was Boujis?
HARRY Lash-tastic.
WILLIAM Sorry you didn’t feel like joining us, darling.
HARRY Yeah, you totally should have done. There were loads of Jägerbombs, amazing girls… Some of the best rah-vin’ we’ve ever done. Anyway, let’s get back on the banter bus now, shall we?
KATE Stop the banter bus. I want to get off.
(next afternoon)
William and his father are walking in the park.
WILLIAM I’m really not sure our living arrangements are working out.
CHARLES Why not?
WILLIAM It’s not fair on Kate. I don’t like sharing her with my younger brother. It feels a bit, y’know, Henry VIII.
Kate is out with her sister.
PIPPA So what’s it like being the future Queen of England?
KATE It’s rubbish. Well, no, it’s fine in Anglesey. But every time we’re in London, Wills reverts to toddler mode and spends all his time with his “flatmate”. I can’t tell you what a bad influence he is.
PIPPA (sighing) Ah, Harry. I think you’re lucky. I wish I lived with Harry.
KATE No, you don’t. He’s a nightmare.
PIPPA I have an idea. Harry and I have been talking about this together…
WILLIAM Also, Daddy, I can’t help worrying about Harry. I mean, girls seem to find him irresistible. What if Kate …?
Prince Harry spies Pippa and Kate and joins them.
PIPPA (flirtatiously) Speak of the devil.
harry Yah, random.
KATE Now, Harry. Listen. I’m not sure it’s working out.
Harry I know. Two’s company, Harry’s a crowd.
William and Charles walk to Green park and see them. Believing his worst fears, William runs at Harry in a fury and drags him into a pond.
KATE Stop! I was only telling Harry to remember to put the toilet seat down.
CHARLES Good God, William, she said toilet. I will have to find you both somewhere else to live.
PIPPA (hugging Kate) Told you it would work.
Harry and William emerge, dripping. William hugs Kate.
WILLIAM Darling, I’m so sorry. Let’s move to Fulham.
Harry hugs Pippa.
HARRY Pippa, how would you like to move in to Clarence House?

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Tags: Prince   Harry   Middleton   Kate   William   Royal   Wedding  

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